my journey to pregnancy

When we started trying to get pregnant, after years of marriage, I thought that it would be easy. I mean, for so long we had been actively trying to NOT get pregnant, that of course I would be with child right away… but when one month went by, and then another, and another, and another…

I learned everything about my menstrual cycle. I took my temperature every morning to predict when I would ovulate, and just to be sure, I also took ovulation tests every month. Then, I would monitor every aspect of my body.  Was that a cramp that I felt? Where my breasts more sore than usual? Was that implantation bleeding? Was I more hungry? And of course I bought early pregnancy detector tests, and I have no words to describe the elation/expectation/illusion followed by the deep sadness that every negative test gave me.

People around me inquired/commented:

When are you going to have children?

Don’t you want a family?

You have been married for so long, isn’t it time to start a family? 

You don’t seem very maternal, you never hoo ha over children

I didn’t know if I was supposed to cry, punch them, or turn around and hide and never talk to them again. Of course I did not hoo ha every time I saw a baby, it was too painful. Of course I wanted to have children, the choice had been taken from me.

After one year of actively trying to conceive I went to the doctor just to learn that my insurance did not cover any type of fertility treatment (not even diagnosis! Yay US health care system) so many questions left unanswered. Luckily, after another year we got new insurance and we were finally able to get the tests that would answer questions that we had had for such long time, and sure enough, unsurprising, we did find that we had fertility problems, and a treatment plan was drawn.

A week before the start of our treatment, we found out we were pregnant. It was a miracle (or a statistical outlier) and so after years, here I am, half way through my pregnancy (probably my only one) and so excited about this new journey that we are going to be embarking on.

Unsuccessfully trying to conceive for so long was lonely. I did not know anyone else going through something like this. I had no one to talk to that would understand. I know that it is not uncommon, yet it seems like it is not a common subject to share with others, perhaps because it is painful (it is) or because you might feel shame or embarrassment (you do) but I want to share this with others, because I know that someone out there is going through something similar, and I cannot do much, but I am here if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here.

We are only half way there, we don’t know what the road ahead holds.

But we are here now.

The day we found out we were pregnant: